Ask Erin: Am I Overreacting?

She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.

Q.

Okay am I crazy or just whining? 

My husband's coworker is being weird, and I don't know what to do about it. 

I have social anxiety, and it messes with me sometimes in not knowing exactly what's normal social media/social phone behavior. 

Last month, my husband's new coworker sent him a picture of a positive pregnancy test and a sonogram. He was uncomfortable but congratulated her politely in the event that she either sent the text to the wrong person or was just really excited and sending it out to everyone in her contacts. 

Before we go down the rabbit hole, my husband isn't cheating on me. I'm 100% positive  — his phone is never locked, he doesn't have social media accounts, and is an anti-technology hiker hippie type. We have a side business that we run together, so it's not like he's gone for long periods of time with this coworker. He also works from home at least 1/2 the week. He's not close with her and doesn't hang out with his other coworkers. 

She does, however, keep sending him weekly updates from a pregnancy tracker. He texted her, clarifying that she might have the wrong number and asking her why she's sending him these texts, and she just sent him a heart emoji back. An acquaintance of ours knows her quite well and said she's "got terrible boundaries; watch out for that one."

When I was pregnant with our son, I didn't send people pictures of stuff I peed on, least of all a coworker I hardly know. 

I think he should quietly take it to their boss, who is a woman, but he's just paralyzed and uncomfortable. 

I'm getting really annoyed, but I don't know if I'm overreacting, just being a jealous child. Am I wrong to think that this is kind of fucked up?

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A.

Okay, it is odd that she is sending weekly pregnancy updates. 

Most likely, she is just one of those over-sharers. 

As you pointed out, it sounds highly unlikely that your husband is cheating on you with this woman, especially since he is sharing these texts with you. If I were in his shoes, I would ignore the texts. I wouldn’t take this to my boss. She’s not sending him nude photos, she’s sending pregnancy updates, that she is likely sending to a whole group of people. 

If it’s bothering him, he should set a boundary with her more directly. 

Rather than asking her why she’s sending them or if she has the wrong number, he should say directly something along the lines of: “I’m happy your pregnancy is moving along nicely, but I ask that you not send me weekly updates. It feels a little too personal coming from a co-worker.” 

We are often remiss in setting boundaries because we are worried about hurting the other person’s feelings. But we are doing them a disservice. Further, we are doing ourselves a disservice. 

If you set a boundary with language that is clear but kind, the way the other person reacts is not your business. 

You are not responsible for, nor can you control other people’s behavior. 

Now, I get that you’re bothered. However, I don’t think I would qualify her behavior as fucked up. In your shoes, I would urge your husband to set the boundary mentioned above and then let it go. If it continues and escalates with more personal texts, you can always text her back from your husband’s phone and set that boundary. BUT, it’s really his responsibility.